Why I Haven’t Wanted to Write About Eating

As you may know, I found myself on a diet late last year. And after lots of great support from fabulous friends, I finally let go of beating myself up about it.

In fact, I’m now (at least a little bit) grateful for it. It reminded me that my first work continues to be asking myself what feels good and then doing it.

And this is why I haven’t wanted to write about eating much lately.

I’m afraid I’ll jinx it.

Intuitive Eating + Me

When I first read the book Intuitive Eating, I was just beginning to put the tip of the tip of my baby toe into the healing pool. The healing from disordered eating pool, that is. Healing from constantly being on a diet, beating myself up for “failing” a diet, or researching what diet to start next.

So, as you can probably imagine, I was pretty far away from having the kind of subtlety necessary to engage with intuition — on any level. I was still very much overriding my intuition at every turn, thinking it was clearly too stupid to guide me, considering how I looked and felt.

But I knew enough to know I wanted to try for something different.

That was five-ish years ago.

Flash Forward

Today, after being on one diet last year instead of my usual fifteen, I’m in a different place. Since realizing that I’d let myself into the trap again, and finding the gate latch to let myself out, I’ve been eating intuitively.

But it feels totally different from before.

When I tried to practice this before, I didn’t have any paradigm to operate from. I didn’t know how to engage with food except between two poles: binging or dieting. So, while I did the best that I could, it never really “worked” for me because I wasn’t ready quite yet.

And it kind of makes sense when you think about it. I’d spent about 20 years up until that point eating a particular way. So to think that I could change that in any kind of overnight framework just doesn’t add up. 

Plus, I still had more internal work to do (lots of it, in fact!). So I went and did it — over and over, even (and especially) when it totally and completely sucked. Sometimes I quit — sometimes for a long time. But, eventually, I came back to this work of feeling my feelings, getting in touch with my body, nurturing myself.

And I continue to work it now.

Because, ultimately, I don’t really see any other option.

What I’ve Been Up To

Lately, I’ve just been eating. When I’m hungry, I eat. I’m still working on stopping when I’m full, but I’m making progress on that front, too. And that’s why I’ve been nervous to talk about it. I don’t know that I’m “doing” anything special.

Especially not anything that could be distilled into a handy dandy tip sheet, which is what I know many of us want (myself included!).

Because this is what I think the “secret” of intuitive eating really is: that most of us can’t flip a switch and just start it. After all, if we could, wouldn’t we have done it already?

Instead, I think intuitive eating means showing up for our unique and individual work of doing whatever it is we need to do to get back in touch with our feelings and body. We can share tips and support each other, but the exact roadmap will be different for each of us.

Yoga + Disordered Eating

Yoga is at every stop along the way on my roadmap. It, too, is something I’ve railed against at different times in my life. “Who has time for yoga? I should be at the gym for 2 hours every day, sweating my ass off — literally!”

But, yet again, I’ve had to learn through process that yoga is one of the most healing tools in my toolbox. Without it, I’m not sure how I would have learned to truly feel my body.

And that’s why, this week, which is Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I want to share a great resource with you.

Sprout Yoga

Sprout Yoga is an incredible nonprofit organization that raises awareness about yoga as a healing tool for people who experience disordered eating in any form.

They educate yoga teachers about how to create a safe space for people dealing with these issues. And they also advocate for donation-based classes so that anyone who wants to can go to class, regardless of their ability to pay.

So many of us have contended with disordered eating at some point in our life, or know someone who has, that I said yes without hesitation when they asked me to serve on their Advisory Board.

I hope that you’ll check out their site, follow them on Facebook and Twitter and, if you’re able, make a small donation to support their work.

Every little bit helps.

And isn’t that true in our own journey, too.

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