”There’s no such thing as work-life balance. It’s all life. Be fully present in life.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn
This is one of my favorite quotes. Or, at least it is now. But when I first read it, it irked the hell out of me. ”No such thing?” That’s a little overstated, isn’t it, Jon? I mean, that’s what I’ve been seeking for years! It can’t be totally out of reach, can it?
After that little freak out, I settled down with this idea. And I realized, as I often do, that Jon might just know what he’s talking about.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t realize that on my own. Or, rather, with my own mind. Instead, I had to learn it (as I pretty much always do) the hard way. Through my own experience. (Le sigh.)
Overworking is my home base. It’s where I feel safest. Something stressful going on? Work it to death. Feeling bad? Nothing like a fun project to mitigate those feelings! (Especially if it’s a diet.) Yep, all this stuff ties together. (And yes, I do find that incredibly annoying, in case you were wondering.)
After years of avoiding my feelings by overworking, it became harder and harder to tolerate. I got sick — migraines, stomach problems, anxiety. I got burnt out and bitter (lovely combo, right?). I longed for the day where a benevolent benefactor would happen upon me and, seeing my plight, gift me with unlimited funds so I could finally chill out and live life on my own terms.
(Insert screeching halt noise here.)
Once I realized what it had come to — absurd fantasies that would never come true — I had to pause and take a look at my life. There was no “balance” in my “non-work” life that I could find that would be enough of a counter to all the ways I was majorly overdoing it. So while, for me, there was no balance, there were these new things I discovered called boundaries. (You haven’t heard of them, either? Glad I’m not the only one.)
When I moved to Nashville, I knew my job would be stressful. I also knew that I would have a tendency to get over-involved in community work because that’s what I do. So I made a rule: no volunteering for a year. I realize that saying no to volunteering makes me sound like the kind of person that kicks kittens for fun, but it wasn’t like that (I promise!). I had to set that boundary in place in order to maintain any semblance of sanity or health.
Once I got one boundary up, though, I found that my overwork energy got channeled elsewhere (as in, right back to my jobby job), so then I had to work on some others:
- No working past 5 unless someone might die if I didn’t (it’s surprising how rarely that happens)
- Going to bed by 11 — at the latest
- Taking time to chill on the weekends
- Taking sick time if I got sick (that’s why it’s called sick time, right? I wasn’t sure.)
- Doing something to burn off the overwork energy every day — yoga, a walk, meditation
- And yes, start feeling my feelings. (Dangit!)
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah volunteering.
One thing I have learned in my 37 years is there is nothing more exhausting and time consuming as volunteering. Interesting that you still feel you need to justify why you don’t want to volunteer at the moment. Don’t worry, I don’t think you kick kittens, I just think you are looking after yourself magnificently!
LOL! Thanks, Rachel!
I wrote a post, granted, more vulgar than this one
about the same thing and it really got some folks up in arms. And I had no idea that was going to happen. I think our society has embedded into us that seeking balance is some sort of personal religion and the truth is, when we really look at our lives and find out what we truly want from it, the balance happens naturally. There is no perfect ratio except the one that is happening right then and there.
Love this post, my dear.
Ah; I don’t know how I missed that one, Christie, but I just checked it out — ♥! I’m right there with you; I really tried to force balance for a long time, which (only in retrospect did I realize) isn’t really possible.
I read it twice (slow learner). Guess what we really want to feel is that we fulfilled the purpose God gave us for this day and to feel satisfaction and happiness.
Great post, Anna! It is amazing what we can accomplish when we quit beating ourselves up!
Oh, wow. You’ve sure given me a lot to think about! Thank you – excellent post.
Great post Anna. I agree totally. I think that if we are balanced then we are stagnant. It is funny though as I did a survey and it seems that is what most mums are looking for. There is nothing too much in balance in my life at the moment – traveling around Australia, running a business, home schooling two teenage children. Dee
Anna, LOVE this post! What I love about you is your ability to make me laugh and teach me a great lesson. (And you’re an awesome writer!)
I also have a tough time with building and preserving boundaries – and I can totally relate to stuffing down my emotions by just working more and more. That quote is awesome! Everything is life, and it’s important to make conscious decisions about how we live it.
Thanks for this post, Anna. It’s interesting because I have always thought of balance as not doing everything expected of you evenly and easily but as making the exact choices you mention and living life in a way that is a balance (There’s that word) between what you both have and wish to offer and what you need- and what you need might limit what you have to offer. Christie’s post got me started noodling on this and now I am noodling more. A great way to start the day. Thank you!
You’re the funniest. I laughed a lot through this one, ‘specially when you talked about kicking kittens (because that’s SO not something you’d ever do). The beautiful thing I find is that once I stop seeking that elusive “balance”, then I’m finally able to actually live life. Just accept what I’m chasing doesn’t exist, and that what’s actually here is better. So stereotypically Zen, but also so true.
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