A friend recently asked me if I could trust a situation to unfold.
I’m imagining you probably heard my laugh from where you are now.
Let’s take a moment and look at the evidence, shall we? I’m the gal who got two master’s degrees because I didn’t think I could get a job with just one. And worked four part-time jobs while going to school full-time because I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t contributing to my household financially. And went on a kabillion diets because, clearly, I thought my body had no clue what it was doing.
So yeah, I’m obviously really tight with trust.
Why Start Now?
I recently started working from home, spending much of my time writing. And by writing, I obviously mean checking Facebook, tweeting and seeing if anything new has come in on my Google Reader in the past 12 seconds.
The hardest thing I’ve found about doing this (working from home, not hopping on Facebook — that’s actually shockingly easy) is holding space. Of course, this is more than a little ironic considering that holding space for others is kinda my job as a yoga teacher.
Me vs. Them
Holding it for others is, of course, a little different from holding it for myself. I can show up all day for others. No problem!
But giving myself that same level of respect? Psssssht. Who has the time, especially when it involves taking such a hard, long and continual look at yourself? I mean, I’ve already been working with trust for a while now. Aren’t I done yet?
The answer to that question is (no surprise), no way! And, not possible! What I’ve found instead is another level of trust to drop into.
This level is a deep allowing, a conscious effort not to fill up every moment with busyness so that I feel “productive” but don’t actually accomplish what I intend to. I even had this come up recently with the possibility of teaching more yoga classes.
I was asked to take on three more classes – three! When I was asked, I was like “YES!!!!” I instantly thought of how awesome this would be in many ways and, after all, I do love teaching. But fortunately, something in me was wise enough to say “Let me think about it.”
And so I did, and here’s the truth: I do love teaching. But I also know that I have writing projects I want to accomplish this year, and I can’t write when my day is chopped up driving here and there.
And as much as I’d love to feel busy and important (shout out to all my Bridget Jones fans) by going from class to class, I know that for me, that’s nothing more than an avoidance tactic.
So for now, hard (and I mean hard) as it is, I’m staying with space and I’m staying with time. And on a very real level, there is a trusting of my body here.
Because to trust my innate wisdom, I must trust my body. There is no other way.